In all honesty

This blog post has been sitting in my drafts for months... I never knew when to publish it. Today is finally the day, it happens to be the first day of my thrid trimester. Our S. is going to be a big sister.

Here we go. An honest story... I will be completely honest with you, it has been a bumpy couple of weeks...what am I saying, months. 2022 started off on a rough patch. In January, I had a miscarriage and I have been carrying this weight ever since. I felt early on that something was up. Interesting how women have this gut feeling, don't you think? Fuck you "gut feeling".

It all started with a midwife appointment: "I think I'm having a miscarriage." "You should get an ultrasound appointment." That's it? Nothing else? No discussion on how I'm feeling or on how I should handle this.... Off we go to my first ultrasound, indeed there is nothing in there. My belly is empty. No bun. NOTHING. There are three options: a dilation and curettage, use of medication or the natural way. The midwife, Dr. C., strongly recommends the medication. I am lost. I am unable to decide. I node. I pay and leave. Tears are shed. This is just before Christmas break.

Our hearts ache during all our Christmas holiday. I need to get the medication to get it all out. Off we go to the emergency section of the closest hospital in Normandy. Second ultrasound here we go. "We can't give you the medication without keeping you overnight". This isn't an option; we are travelling the following day. "I want to reassure you; the foetus was in perfect health". I start tearing up. "No, it doesn't reassure me. I would have preferred "it" to be weak or sick." Off we go. I don't pay because it's the emergency section.

We have changed vacation location and the natural process happens. I'm not going to go into detail, but it feels weird. I feel lighter, but my heart still aches. After four weeks, 1 midwife appointment, 2 ultrasounds, it's over, I'm finally empty. Life goes on. However, it does not really. We need to head back home, and I need to get a medical check up to make sure that everything is out.

Off we go, third ultrasound with Dr. C again. There is a bit of mater left inside, I urgently need to head to the closest hospital to get it all out otherwise "you won't get your period back therefore you can't get pregnant again". I pay and off we go, last one I promise!

Emergency, paperwork, kind women, fourth ultrasound... You are all set. Nothing must be done; it'll all disappear with your next period. What??? I thought... Oh never mind. My brain is tired of all these ultrasounds, different midwives, waiting rooms, other patients, to pay or not pay, blablabla...

Let's normalize miscarriage. Talk about it to our kids, at school, to our friends and parents, even our grandmother. I went through a rollercoaster of emotions; from sadness to anger and a lot of guilt. No one told me how to handle these emotions. Even the midwives I saw had trouble finding the words to reassure me...us. I would cry silent tears. It's a weird feeling to grieve the loss of someone (something ?) you've never met. This is what miscarriage is all about. The loss of someone you've never met. But you get attached, you imagine your life with a second child, you lovingly imagine Sasha being a big sister, and you think of names. And in a glimpse of a moment, it all vanishes, it becomes dust... To all the women out there, no matter what stage you're at in your pregnancy, it isn’t something to be ashamed of. Take time to heal. Surround yourself with loving people, family, and friends. Do not go on internet, talk to a professional, the way I did. Be heard. It's a hard chapter in a couple’s life. Being with someone compassionate and loving changes everything. Take the time you need to heal. It never leaves you; it'll always be a part of you, but it gets better. I promise. Time heals.

That's a lot of rambling so I'm going to finish this here. Let's throw in a couple of numbers: 15% of pregnancies end up in a miscarriage, that's 44 pregnancies that end every minute in the world and 23 million miscarriages in the world every year.

Puszi,

Katouche